Bumper crop
Excerpt from the novel.
[The protagonist, Jerry Salem, is the assistant head of marketing for a struggling novelty items company, Kluggor Kent & Kramer. They produce customized matchbooks, napkins, pens, banners, etc. for enterprises and special occasions. Rampant nepotism and the three partners’ ongoing attempts to outclass one another weigh heavily on the firm’s bottom line.
When the country suddenly finds itself in the grips of a jingoist frenzy, Jerry sees an opportunity and launches a new line of products. The company’s profits soar. Here, from chapter 8, we find Jerry fine-tuning copy for the company’s website: KKKnovelties.com.]
Still steamed over the image of goddamn Kluggor Jr. grinning with undue credit again for his ideas at this morning’s meeting, and now regretting the extra garlic sauce just to prove to the beefy wad at the counter he could on his lunchtime gyros, his gut and cheeks burning when he had to turn the other way to ask Joyce for his messages.
Every missed opportunity to look into the sweet blue oblivion of her eyes was like one of those dreams where you’re falling and falling and your mouth’s just gaped open with a silent scream of that Norwegian I think painter… oh, hell’s bells, your day will come and so what you weren’t elected den leader, there’ll be other ways to make it up to him and mental note to bring a toothbrush to work, one of those travel things with the toothpaste already on it… he muttered and began to type:
Fellow freedom lovers! Howdy! Yes, finally!! And back by popular demand! The bumper stickers you’ve all been hankering for. Full color, EZ-stikkk™ Hi-view™. So get ‘em while you can and God bless!
Don’t forget to visit our gift shop and, though there’s no wrong choice except giving in, if ever you’re having trouble choosing, here is…
Last’s weeks top 20 best sellers:
1. Free the cheese!
2. All we are saying is give war a chance.
3. Typical: 85% of French people say Belgians invented fries.
4. I’d rather be bombing fascists!
5. Honk if you’re not an idiot.
6. Hey celebrities: just shut up and say the lines.
7. Bomb now, talk later.
8. Pass the buck, not the euro!
9. Hell no, we won’t budge!
10. This is not my Mercedes. My Chevy’s in the shop.
11. Stop beating up around the Bush!
12. Let’s take the UN out of undecided.
13. My granddaddy saved their sorry asses in WWII. What 1/2 U done lately?
14. Sorry Saddam, you’re not putting my daughter in a veil.
15. Just say non!
16. UR behind a gas-guzzling, freedom loving machine!
17. Jesus said love thy neighbour; he didn’t say nothing about evil dictators overseas.
18. Better dead than French.
19. Peaceniks are weapons of mass destruction.
20. Remember the Alamo!
(… OK, just one more, I promise: Let’s get ready to Rumsfeld!)
· · • · ·