Substitution chart
1 egg = 2 T vegetable oil
1 T prepared mustard = 1 t dry mustard
1 prune = 8 raisins
1 pizza = 12 dollars
1 C Coke = 1 C Pepsi
sunrise = sunset
1 wasp = 14 ants
1 hug = 5 handshakes
1 punch in jaw = 8 middle fingers
1 stomach flu = 10 staff meetings
completing free coffee card = spying nude neighbor through the window
licked by dog = gift of ugly necktie
cloud = crow
bowling trophy = promotional t-shirt
finding a $20 bill on the sidewalk = finding 20 $1 bills on the sidewalk
thunderstorm = trick-or-treating
car door slammed on fingers = testifying against brother-in-law
legalized gambling = africanized killer bees
car alarm = painful urination
misspelling = untied shoe
2 lawyer jokes = 1 C bread crumbs
empty parking lot = dream-within-a-dream
shaving = sauteeing
pinking shears = parsley
tapanade = “Rashamon”
bone spur = church pew
eleventy-twelve = 132
– J. Robert Lennon
· · • · ·
Comment
- tax audit= being mugged after going to cash machine + dog dying
— brent Nov 30, 8:57am # - young children present in the home=half of a night’s sleep
— Tiffany Nov 30, 12:35pm # - whining child = itchy rectum
— beerzie boy Dec 1, 1:15pm # - Cigarette = The next cigarette
— Michael Peo Dec 2, 6:23am # - tech support = 8 hour noogee
— Oorgo Dec 3, 6:15pm # - I noticed a typo in your Lennon piece. In the last line, eleventy-twelve = 122.
frost-covered window = shower door
snow-covered window = Christmas c1975
rain-streaked window = dad’s new girlfriend
open window = your own bag of chips
— palinode Dec 5, 1:28am # - Ingmar Bergman = Emily Dickenson
— MOJdeB Dec 6, 4:59pm # - I say:
1 hug = 50 handshakes
But I agree on the rest.
— Paul (gnfti) Dec 7, 5:22pm # - handrail = stiff neck
holy moses = a cinder in the eye
this is fun = we’ve heard enough out of you
— Jeff Dec 11, 1:45am # - A chimpanzee in baby clothes = a man in a gorilla suit
— jh19 Dec 16, 10:15am # - dentist for first time in nine years=dying to self
— rob Dec 17, 11:23am # - Unlimited mobile phone minutes = 99 to life
— hm Dec 24, 1:43pm # - indeed = nah’mean?
— Henry Floss Dec 25, 7:41pm #
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