Realer than reality
Venturing beyond the artificial boundaries, the second-hand thrill of reality TV, we offer a series of very special and absolutely exclusive tours that promise to be a daringly intimate, so-real-you-can-touch-it experience you will never forget. (+ more if affinity?)
Mrs. Biggles’s magical mystery meat tour and other exciting adventures
Length of the tour: 3 days
Day 1: You’ll be there when Mrs. Biggles wakes up. Follow her as she goes to the bathroom, then later makes her way through the house. Watch as she stoops every few inches to pick up socks and sweaters, underwear and soda cans, candy wrappers, used band-aids, pens, wet towels and… oh, you just never know with those four whacky, adorable children of hers.
Then it’s off to the laundry room for heaving wet loads from washer to dryer, sorting and folding and digging through pockets (finders, keepers!), and sniffing dirty clothes for the smell of cannabis, cigarette smoke, alcohol and strangers. Was little Junie really over at Stacey’s house studying last night?
And so to the kitchen, where Mrs. B. will prepare you a delicious homemade breakfast. But, first, you’ll delight as you watch her scour the countertops laden with spoons of sticky PB & J, crumbs, butter-caked knives, spilled juice, unfinished bowls of cereal being enjoyed by the cats, spaghetti clogging the drain and some unnamed substance dribbling down the side of the garbage pail…
Further highlights will include helping Mrs. Biggles sort her coupons and food stamps before going to the market, helping her decide which items to return when she discovers at the checkout she doesn’t have enough money.
Later, you’ll marvel as Mrs. B. cooks up colourful and nutritious meals with obscure low-cost cuts of meat. Then join in the fun, and help Mrs. B. get her children to pull away from the computer/console/TV/phone and do their homework, clean their rooms, feed the cats…
Now it’s 11 pm, the children’s music is barely audible, your fold-out couch is all made up, and it’s quality time with the marvellous Mrs. Biggles. Crème de Menthe, anyone?
Day 2: Same
Day 3: Same
Deirdre does the corporate thing
Length of the tour: TBD
The thing about Deirdre is that she’s so wonderfully unpredictable. The adventure begins in front of Romutex, where Deirdre works as an administrative assistant. If she’s a little bit late, don’t worry! She’ll show up eventually!
And so begins your unique insight into the dazzle and hum of the corporate world. You’ll watch D. as she checks her e-mail, reads her favourite web logs, and chats online with her friend Dawn, who’s on holiday in St. Barts (wow!).
You’ll help Deirdre come up with creative new ways to get off early, extend her lunch hour, shirk her duties, and share in intimate (corporate!) gossip in the coffee room, and be invited to share your views on all the hot new TV shows during staff meetings!
At lunchtime, it’s off to the mall for a makeover at the Estée Lauder counter, shoplifting nail polish and designer stockings and… a free lunch at Sbarro’s (probably, if Jason’s still working there, and we’re still talking to him and the manager is off)!
Back at the office, you’ll meet Deirdre’s boss, lie to his wife about where he was last weekend, type two letters and, voilà! Day is done.
Then it’s off to Deirdre’s beautiful apartment, where you’ll admire her stunning collections of crystal animals and nail polish, her walk-in closets and so much more. Next, you’ll help her get ready for karaoke night at The Sadly Inevitable. And it’s ladies night tonight, so… be prepared (and bring cab fare). Anything could happen!
Other tours include:
Translator: Word play! International intrigue! Semi colons! Be dazzled by the sight of our freelance translator spending two hours looking up an obscure reference. Performing word counts! Pleading with clients to pay overdue invoices! Typing! And not much more!
· · • · ·
Comment
- Survivor!
High School Teacher Edition
First period – Video Production class. We meet Jimmy, last year’s best student, now a pitiful slacker. After complimenting him on getting his braces off we mention that he has done nothing all semester. He mentions ‘issues’ and we discover that his girlfriend has been kicked out of her house, given his best friend a ‘hand job’ and discovered she may be pregnant with him.
Second period – Graphic Design. While students are quietly working, girl approaches teacher with tears in eyes. Seems she has been kicked out of yet another foster home and has until Monday to find a new one, or she will be put in a group home and have to drop out of school.
She is a piece of work. Both parents in jail for drugs, she has gone through both sets of grandparents and several guardians, because she lies and does whatever she wants, and her much-older boyfriend comes and goes as he pleases. Right now what she wants is for her teacher to mention that she has a spare bedroom. Instead, teacher calls and gets a lead on a solution, tries to contact the student, but she has already ditched school…
Third Period – Journalism. After much shrill badgering students turn to writing for the next exciting issue of the school paper. One team decides to write an article on the use of condoms. Instead of a more technical term, they decide to call penises, ‘ding dongs’ throughout the article, which is sprinkled with large type catchy phrases, like, “Cover your nob when you’re on the job,” “Don’t be a fool, cover your tool,” “Don’t go wrong, cover your dong.” The word helmet is spelled ‘hellmet.’ It is the most intellectual article submitted thus far.
Classes are over, and once she has completed three hours of additional paperwork, the teacher decides to just take the rest with her to do on the weekend, and staggers home. Cut to commercial for Cat food.
(This is an actual account of my day yesterday, with no embellishments)
— wizmo Jan 7, 6:23pm # - That Translator babe is PHAT!
— matthew Jan 8, 9:47pm # - Excellent post! Although, I keep hearing the Talking Heads, “Once in a Lifetime” while reading the Deirdre section…
— Roggey Jan 10, 4:28pm #
commenting closed for this article