Ulterior motives
One of the more embarrassing things about introspection is recognising all the little things we do that we want to believe are driven by good purpose but which, in fact, are motivated by impulses far less noble.
Like how I order books online probably as much for the simple childish delight of getting a package in the mail (a glad counterweight to blood-curdling bills), as for the items’ future promise of pleasure.
How we flirt not out of true love but for the rush of new love, how we follow the news, proud of being good citizens when, really, we just don’t want to miss out on anything (especially something as important as Tom’s apology to Brooke), hold onto a shaky position long after our credibility has evaporated, keep in touch well after the friendship has died, say yes when we want to say no, how we let other cars in when we’re driving because, well obviously, we’re good people – but not so good that we don’t get indignant when the other driver doesn’t wave thanks.
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- Yes, my ability to internally pat myself on the back never ceases to amaze me. It’s like constant waves of self-congratulation washing against the shore of my inner narrative. But every once in a while, beneath the other sickeningly egotistical motives I do find a glimmer of something else.
I love the showing-off aspect of teaching, the “Look at all the cool stuff I know, how wise, etc.” thing, but I also feel something else entirely when I see what a design student has done, and it’s better, fresher than anything my old eye could visualize, and ends up teaching ME something. There’s a moment of pure joy before my usual, “Look what MY student did” thing starts crowing and throwing its chest out.
I’ve concluded that I’m not nearly as wonderful as I need to think, but I’m not as bad as my critical introspection would make me out either. And then I hug myself for being so insightful…
— wizmo Sep 4, 7:03pm # - I perform the action in first person, realize the ulterior motive in second person, feel slightly ashamed of perceived wonderfulness in third person but at the end of the day am still glad I performed the action for whatever reason. Intention seems to be a vague stick for judging yourself or anyone else all the time.
— moizza Sep 5, 5:54am # - The immersion of self into self until self disappers, what other ending presents?
— Jack Sep 7, 8:52am # - I used to feel all smug going to exercise class in the morning, dodging all the cars coming out of the Dunkin’ Donuts, feeling superior to them with their little bags o’ lard, until I realized I was wearing a Miller beer t-shirt, and going to work off the effects of Wednesday 1/2 price margarita night.
— Peggasus Sep 7, 5:37pm #
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